It is not something you’d notice until it gains the upper hand in life. At that point, you are all but defeated — you’ve operated under its comfortable and reassured guidance. It never presents itself as a weakness, and if it does, it constricts tightly. What is “it”? for me “it” is adaptability.
The following will be a clumsy confrontation of my identity and the traits therein. I am unclear of the provocation or resolution expected or hoped for, but nevertheless, we shall soldier on.
Several years ago, a young Vietnamese-Norwegian woman asked several questions about my life on a road trip to the beach. I explained my relationships, friendships, and various impactful moments, then I provided her a realization that I was “adaptable” and that meant “I could handle” most any situation and “not suffer” from it. Satisfied with my portrayal of…me, she returned with a concise point that struck me at the core and put a hairline fracture in my foundations. She said, “It sounds like you never get what you want because you adapt to people and situations”. Well. What does she know? she steals a metal slinky toy from my desk on the last day of her internship, and strangely taunts me with photos of it on fire, in a bar-b-cue pit, and other scenes around the world…she was right.
I’m pretty good at stuff. That is not a cocky statement. I’m generally good at most things and believe I have an above average grasp of subjects I get interested in. My struggle is I don’t have depth in any one subject, and that’s probably down to having poor discipline…maybe ADHD, who knows. There was a time when I would commit and dive into a subject or skill and excel at it deeply, but I find it more difficult by the year to devote time and energy to any subject that piques my interests. The path of least resistance wins most of the time — other times I get the upper hand, at first, then it wanes and derails.
Drawing, reading, graphic design, web design, sewing, zine creating, model building, and whatever comes next, it’s all surface level exploration. Nothing holds my attention or commands dedication, and maybe it means I shouldn’t bother with those things. I fool myself into thinking the expertise I wish for is easily attained but I know it isn’t. It takes discipline. Where is my discipline? Why am I still adapting to the wind shifting my sail and not steering this skiff?
What do I want? When do I really figure that out?
Ok, ok, we’re not going down the existential road tonight. Need to have some semblance of dignity.
I don’t know how to end this, and that conveniently reiterates the point I’ve laid before you. Next post.